As a young mother, blessed with beautiful daughters, I went all out to do the ribbon and girlie clothes for them. Braids with beads and colorful rubber bands were in then. 

 

 At that time I had a fashion designing business. Half of the designing business was for my daughters 😀. I shopped fabrics and made them all sorts as my heart desired. They were more than happy to wear their mother’s creations. I picked out everything they wore and took them out with pride.

 

As they got older, age 7 and above they started picking out from their wardrobe what they wanted to wear, I would still insist that some were not appropriate for the occasion and I chose for them.

 

By age 10-11 the protests started. If i insisted on an outfit, it would be worn with a frowning face. As for the ball gowns, they were relegated to the backside of the wardrobe. No dice. I struggled with this because as far as I was concerned they were still my babies. 

 

This was even more pronounced with the last two. I think they matured faster than their older sisters. 

 

We gradually started taking their inputs on what they liked as we shopped, as long as it met some criteria. We decided to focus on their growing relationship with us, instilling values and building a strong relationship with them; overlooking those differences. 

 

By age 13-14, we were more or less on our own if we shopped for them. At 15-16 I had to finally just allow them pick out their clothes when we needed to get them clothes. Imagine traveling, spending foreign currency to shop for your babies, and the best you get is ‘thank you Mum.’ Those shoes or clothes just remain in the wardrobe, sometimes till they outgrow them. Girls hmmm. 

 

We finally stopped shopping for them. Either we gave them money to do their shopping or asked them to pick out what they wanted online and we paid. We figured they had spent enough time with us to know what was right and what was wrong. My style is obsolete in their opinion, I accept that.

 

 I also remembered that I had my differences with my parents when I was a teenager. At a point I refused to wear most of the clothes they bought me. I couldn’t protest openly though, like my daughters. The clothes seemed so formal! I would either use my mom’s sewing machine or needle and thread to make new outfits or repurpose old outfits. 

 

Now my ladies have grown to be  adults. I still complain regularly as the Nigerian mom that I am. We are mindful though to allow them express themselves so we know who they really are. We chose not kill the relationship in a bid to to enforce our preferences. 

 

We have the same approach to other issues, friends, church, relationships and other issues.

 

It is a balancing act. Sometimes turn a blind eye, I have found that some things die a natural death over time.

 

Their relationship with God is the most important thing. He has His own way of calling them to order. Same way He corrects us. 

 

As they get older the dynamics of the relationship must change. It’s no longer one person dishing out instructions. It’s two people rubbing minds together. There are also some things that are no longer your business! 

 

Face your life, pray for them, give counsel when needed, but thinking we can maintain the control we had over our 10 year old in the same way when they are 20 is a suicide mission. 

 

Everyday takes them closer to their independent lives. Accept it. Except of course you are not sure you did a good job. We have done our best, so we take our rest. It is a bittersweet journey, but it’s an essential part of the process.

 

Love them, and let them never have to doubt your love for them. Love is not control. Love is also ‘I trust you to make the right decisions’. Give counsel when needed.

Assure them that you trust them to make the best decisions when they need to. 

Sometimes you need to accept that some lessons can only be learnt by experience. They can make some mistakes, it is not the end of the world.

Have you had to deal with these issues as your children got older? Please share how you navigated.